"The best name for a dog is 'Palindrome', because it makes people think that they have missed the boat. The Zippo boat. Because fat people burn longer."
"This one time, I consumed ginger ale. That's pretty much it. When I say "gingler ale", I mean "Maglite"... I've got that special glow.
"In summary: cheese store seeds shoot Chinese Pope Jam®. Cornbread from God will tip your eyes in Pocky animals after William is in writing."
"How is a Ringo like a writing pen? They both have but one 'R'. And then... nothingness. Not even the fool at the bottom of the well could withstand the great fury of the... chun... KEY SOUP!"
"The smell of toast was in the air, the sun was rising at double speed, and I felt like eating some nylon. A copy of The Book of Mormon crashed through the window like an eighty-year-old cocaine addict fired out of a cannon. I took the case."
"If your bread is stale, make toast. Why else would successful businessmen light their cigars with $100 bills?"
"MY WILLIAM SHATNER IS MISSING!!! Call the post office and tell them to hold my mail!"
"A West Caribbean Airways jet tentatively agreed on a new contract after the US government cited several broken bones in a horse riding accident. It has taken more than sixty years, but public schools of a bereaved mother have been created in Tommy Lee."
"Just talking makes dissonance, but it's redesigned for the better couple of seconds of that mislabeled Animals song I downloaded. I am awesome."
"One time I tried to clean out my ears using Pocky... I think you can guess how that ended. GENERAL TSAO. HANGING. DEAD."
"CHUNKY SOUP STEALTH BOMBER® in my hair, penguin mints are EVERYWHERE!"
"To keep my heart healthy, I eat three PENGUIN PUFFS® each day. Nothing beats a healthy penguin breakfast with a nice side of SWALLOWING IT WITH MY EYES. Heh. I said 'wallowing'."
"You can get anywhere in ten minutes if you drive fast enough, assuming your car is small enough to fit under bathroom doors."
"Fun fact: I play Doom with a trackball that has holes for the tip of my beak drilled in various locations."
"I will not eat this CRUNKY FLUKE®. I will not eat it with a chuke. I will not eat it near a llama lacking hair. I will not eat this crap, Tony Blair!"
"I listen to nail files and bacon launchers. I also refer to my god as "The Dork Mustard" and have a meerkat. Is London Pidge really a duck with shag fur?"
"I know from experience that being a good dancer doesn't mean that you are also a good security guard. I've been working at this shopping mall for fifty-eight years now, and I still have to sleep on top of my monitor every night."
"I heard that drinking Listerine can make your babies turn into potato soup. I guess it's time to rock out with beans and cornbread then. DANCE DANCE BOOM BOOM BWAAAHAHAHAA."
"If you don't use PAM®, you can't buy my JAM! Zim-zam, ker-blam! Thirty-seven yards, in a CAN! Now check your pants, good sir."
"It's a good thing that the new Pope is Japanese; one more week of FREAKING TEMPORARY TATTOO SANDWICHES for breakfast every day and I'd have just totally lost it. Yes, all hail the man who smells of cider and rose."
"Never play Chinese checkers with an Irish marmot peeler. They have psychic powers that can make your helmet spin so fast that Clint Eastwood's hair ignites."
"Herbert Hoover once said, 'Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year without explanation.' Seriously, he said that. He must not have eaten his CHUNKY SOUP® on a regular basis."
"I'm not really much of a Pepsi drinker; the seeds always chip my caps. Besides, REAL MEN drink mineral spirits exclusively. Straight from the can, too."
"This one time I was halfway through eating a python when the damn thing ran out of baked beans. The grocery store was closed since it was a holiday, so I had to spend the rest of the day painting a CD player. I hate it so much when that happens."
"There's no reason you should need to brush your teeth every day if you have enough cheese in your diet; just ask your local barrel maker if you don't believe me."